The difference between escalation and communication
Because not every behaviour is a crisis, and not every quiet moment is calm.
When a child or young person shows behaviour that looks big, such as shouting, pacing, storming out, slamming doors or shutting down, it’s easy to think they’re escalating. But sometimes, what looks like escalation is actually communication.
And sometimes, what looks like “calm” is actually a shutdown.
Understanding the difference matters because how you interpret the behaviour determines your response.
What is escalation?
Escalation is the process by which a child or young person becomes increasingly dysregulated. It’s often the result of unmet needs, sensory overload, perceived threat, or emotional overwhelm.
It might include:
Raised voice
Aggressive body language
Crying or yelling
Property damage or running
Threats or lashing out
It’s a nervous system in distress, often a survival response.
But here's the key: escalation is often preceded by communication that went unnoticed or unsupported.
What is communication?
Communication is how a child expresses needs, wants, discomfort, or emotion, through behaviour, words, or non-speaking cues.
It might look like:
Saying “I don’t want to” (but we label it as a refusal)
Pacing (but we see it as disruptive)
Covering ears (but we miss the sensory distress)
Getting silly (but it’s a bid for connection or help)
Going silent (but it’s actually a freeze response)
If we miss or dismiss these moments as “attention-seeking” or “defiance,” the behaviour escalates, not because the child is choosing to escalate, but because their earlier communication didn’t lead to support.
Why this distinction matters
Misreading behaviour leads to mismatched responses.
If we treat communication as misbehaviour, we may:
Set off power struggles
Escalate the situation
Damage trust
Miss chances for connection
If we recognise communication early and respond supportively, we can often prevent escalation altogether.
How to tell the difference
If it’s communication:
The child’s body might be tense, but they’re still mostly in control
Voice may sound firm, frustrated, or whiny, but they’re still using language
They may ask for help, make excuses, or try to avoid in indirect ways
Visuals or gentle prompts might still work
They might respond to reassurance or connection
The behaviour may seem “annoying” or oppositional, but it’s still a bid for support
If it’s an escalation:
Body movements become rapid, erratic, or aggressive (e.g., pacing, flinching, bolting)
Voice may rise in volume or shut down completely
They stop processing verbal input; reasoning or talking won’t work
You may notice signs of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn
They’re overwhelmed and dysregulated, not in control of their actions
Proximity or demands often increase distress
And remember: communication doesn’t always come with words. The earlier you notice non-speaking signs, the greater the chance you have to meet the need before things escalate.
What to do when you notice early signs
Pause instead of pushing forward
Offer a break with choice (“Would you like to sit outside or grab a drink?”)
Use visual cues rather than verbal correction
Validate what you see: “This feels tricky right now, want some space?”
Shift the demand: “Let’s come back to this later, your body’s telling us it’s time for a pause”
These small shifts help children feel seen and safe, and reduce the risk of escalation.
Final thoughts
When we shift our mindset from “this child is escalating” to “this child is communicating,” everything changes.
We move from reacting to regulating.
From punishment to prevention.
From control to connection.
And in doing so, we don’t just de-escalate behaviour, we honour the human underneath it.
Rosie 🌹