How to build a strong relationship with a young person in care
Because trust isn’t automatic, it’s earned, over time.
Supporting a child or teen in care is one of the most important and complex roles a person can take on. Whether you’re a carer, support worker, or mentor, your relationship with them can be a protective factor or a source of further rupture.
That might sound like a lot of pressure. But here’s the thing: it’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing up consistently, kindly, and with curiosity.
Let’s break down what that really means in practice.
1. Be the safe person — not the fixer
Children in care often come from backgrounds marked by trauma, loss, or broken promises. They’ve learned that adults aren’t always safe and that trust can be dangerous.
Instead of rushing to fix, reassure, or correct, focus on being safe:
Show up when you say you will
Keep your promises
Stay calm when they’re not
Validate what they feel, even when you don’t understand it
You don’t have to solve everything. You just have to be steady.
2. Let the connection come on their terms
Not every child wants high fives, chats, or eye contact. For some, connection looks like:
Playing a video game side-by-side
Sitting in the same room without pressure to talk
Accepting a snack or a small gesture
Testing your limits to see if you’ll stay
The goal isn’t closeness right away; it’s permission to exist safely in their space.
3. Accept the pushback as part of the process
If a young person in care is rude, dismissive, or testing boundaries, it’s not because they hate you. It’s because they’re checking: “Are you going to leave like everyone else?”
Instead of taking it personally:
Stay regulated
Offer repair
Set clear, respectful boundaries
Reconnect later, without holding a grudge
Trust isn’t built through perfect behaviour. It’s built through rupture and repair.
4. Share power, don’t hoard it
Many young people in care have had little to no control over their lives. Restoring a sense of autonomy is essential.
Try:
Offering choices wherever possible
Involving them in planning (even small things)
Asking for their preferences
Respecting their “no”
Power-sharing is not permissive parenting; it’s a trauma-informed practice.
5. Find ways to say, “I see you.”
This might mean:
Remembering their favourite snack
Noticing when they do something well (and saying it)
Asking about a show they like
Saying “I liked spending time with you today”, without strings attached
Small moments of genuine noticing help build the foundation of belonging.
6. Be ready for the long game
You might do all the right things and still feel distant. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means the child is surviving the only way they know how.
Keep showing up.
Keep offering connection.
Keep holding space for a version of them that hasn’t felt safe to show up yet.
You’re planting seeds — even if you don’t see them grow right away.
Final thoughts
Relationships with young people in care are slow, messy, and sacred. They’re not about compliance or “good behaviour.” They’re about connection, safety, and trust, offered without condition.
When you build a relationship from the inside out, not the outside in, you’re not just supporting behaviour. You’re helping rebuild a nervous system, a worldview, a sense of self.
And that’s the real work.
Rosie 🌹