Supporting Emotional Regulation in Young People Who’ve Experienced Trauma
Because it’s not about control, it’s about safety.
If you’re caring for or working with a child who has experienced trauma, you’ve probably seen big emotional reactions: explosive outbursts, intense shutdowns, tearful meltdowns, or unexpected aggression.
And you may have wondered:
“Why does this happen over such small things?”
“They were fine five minutes ago. What changed?”
“Why don’t any of the usual strategies work?”
The answer often lies in the nervous system and how trauma impacts a young person’s ability to regulate their emotions.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognise, manage, and respond to feelings in a safe and flexible way. It helps us stay calm, make informed decisions, and effectively communicate our needs.
But for many trauma-impacted young people, this ability hasn’t developed properly, not because they’re defiant or attention-seeking, but because their brains and bodies have been wired for survival.
How Trauma Affects Regulation
Trauma changes how the brain and nervous system function. A young person who has lived through repeated stress, harm, or instability may:
Stay in a constant state of alert (hypervigilance)
Have a low threshold for stress or frustration
Misread neutral cues as threatening
Struggle to return to calm once triggered
React quickly with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses
In short, their brain is doing its best to keep them safe, even if the threat isn’t real right now.
What Does This Look Like in Everyday Life?
You might see:
Screaming, hitting, or running away during transitions
Total shutdown during a simple request
Explosive reactions to seemingly small changes
Overreactions to tone of voice or facial expressions
Avoidance of tasks that feel vulnerable (e.g., asking for help)
These aren’t “bad behaviours”, they’re protective responses.
How We Can Support Emotional Regulation
The goal isn’t to stop the behaviour, it’s to help the young person feel safe enough to co-regulate with us and gradually build their own regulation skills.
Here are some trauma-informed strategies that really work:
1. Regulate Yourself First
Children can’t borrow your calm if you’re dysregulated too. Before responding, check in with yourself:
Are you speaking gently?
Is your body posture relaxed?
Can you slow your breathing?
Your nervous system is the most powerful tool you have.
2. Connect Before You Correct
Prioritise relationship. Instead of jumping into teaching or discipline, focus on connection:
“You’re safe.”
“I’m here with you.”
“This is really hard, I know.”
Connection opens the door to co-regulation.
3. Create Predictability and Safety
Trauma thrives in chaos; regulation grows in structure.
Use tools like:
Visual routines
Gentle warnings for transitions
Sensory-friendly spaces
Consistent, predictable responses (not punishments)
The safer and more predictable the world feels, the more capacity the child has to regulate.
4. Teach Regulation Outside The Moment
Don’t try to teach emotional skills mid-meltdown. Instead, focus on learning when things are calm:
Name feelings together
Explore body cues (tight tummy, fast heartbeat)
Practice calming strategies (e.g., breathing, music, movement)
Make a “feelings plan” that they can refer to
5. Be Patient and Expect Setbacks
Healing takes time. Progress isn’t linear. You might take three steps forward, then two steps back. That’s okay.
Consistency, compassion, and repair are the keys to success.
Final Thoughts
Young people who’ve experienced trauma aren’t choosing to be “difficult.” Their behaviour is shaped by a nervous system doing its best to protect them.
When we shift from punishment to understanding, from control to connection, we don’t just reduce behaviours of concern. We build trust. We offer healing. And we help children learn that it’s safe to feel.
Want practical tools for teaching emotional regulation in a trauma-informed way? Contact me here to chat more.
Rosie 🌹