Building Independence: Where To Start When Your Child Needs Extra Help
Because every step forward is worth celebrating.
When your child needs additional support, whether due to disability, developmental delay, trauma, or anxiety, building independence can feel overwhelming. Things that seem simple for other young people (such as getting dressed, making lunch, and managing transitions) might feel like mountains for your child.
You might wonder:
“Am I doing too much?”
“What should I be expecting right now?”
“Where do I even start?”
The good news is: you don’t need to do it all at once. You just need to start small and start with connection.
What Is Independence, Really?
Independence isn’t about doing everything on your own. It’s about having the skills, confidence, and support to do what’s meaningful to you, at your own pace.
For some young people, that means learning to tie their shoes. For others, it’s being able to ask for help or manage their own feelings in tricky moments.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is progress.
Why Independence Matters
Building independence helps young people:
Boost their confidence and self-esteem
Feel a sense of accomplishment and control
Develop life-long skills
Reduce reliance on adults for things they’re capable of learning
Prepare for future environments (like school, community activities, or independent living)
But most of all, it builds capacity.
So, Where Do You Start?
1. Start With Something They Care About
Want better buy-in? Choose a goal that’s meaningful to them, not just to you.
Examples:
Making their own toast
Picking out their clothes
Choosing what goes in their lunchbox
Packing their own bag for school
Start where they’re interested; it makes everything easier.
2. Break It Down Into Tiny Steps
A common mistake is asking for too much, too soon. Instead of saying, “Clean your room,” try:
Step 1: Pick up all the toys
Step 2: Put clothes in the basket
Step 3: Straighten the blanket
Use visual checklists or step-by-step guides. These reduce overwhelm and build success.
3. Model, Then Fade Support
Use the “I do, we do, you do” approach:
I do: Show them how it’s done
We do: Do it together
You do: Let them try, with your support nearby
Gradually step back as their confidence grows.
4. Celebrate Effort, Not Just Outcomes
Did they get the toothpaste mostly on the brush? Celebrate that.
Did they ask for help instead of giving up? Celebrate that too.
Reinforce the process, not just the result. This helps young people feel good about trying, even if it’s not perfect.
5. Expect Setbacks And Plan For Them
Some days will be easier than others. That doesn’t mean your child is going backwards. It just means they’re human.
Build in:
Patience
Flexibility
A sense of humour
Space for “do-overs” without shame
Progress isn’t linear, and that’s okay.
Final Thoughts
Building independence is a journey, and it doesn’t look the same for every young person. The most important thing you can do is walk beside them with encouragement, empathy, and belief in their ability to grow.
So start small. Go slow. Celebrate every win. And remember: scaffolding now leads to confidence later.
You’re not holding them back by helping. You’re supporting them to rise.
Rosie 🌹