Why Behaviour Isn’t ‘Bad’: Reframing What We See
Because every behaviour tells a story.
It’s easy to describe a child or young person’s behaviour as “bad,” “naughty,” or “challenging”, especially when it’s loud, disruptive, or confronting. But what if we paused and asked ourselves, ‘What’s really going on here?’
Because here’s the truth: Behaviour isn’t bad. It’s information.
Behaviour is Communication
All behaviour serves a purpose; it’s a form of communication, especially for children who may not have the words or emotional skills to express what they’re feeling.
A meltdown might be saying:
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I don’t feel safe.”
“I need help, but I don’t know how to ask.”
When we shift from asking “What’s wrong with them?” to “What are they trying to tell me?”, we open the door to real support and genuine connection.
The Labels We Use Matter
Words like “naughty” or “difficult” can stick. They shape how we respond and how the young person sees themselves. Over time, a child who’s told they’re “bad” might stop trying altogether, because what’s the point in trying if you’re always the problem?
Instead of focusing on the behaviour as something to fix or punish, let’s focus on it as something to understand.
Reframing the Lens: What Might Be Behind the Behaviour?
A child who won’t sit still might have unmet sensory needs.
A teen who keeps swearing may have grown up hearing that language as a normal expression of emotion.
A young person who refuses to engage might have learned that withdrawing is safer than being rejected.
When we reframe, we stop seeing the child as the problem and start seeing the behaviour as a clue.
From ‘Bad’ to Behavioural Function
In behaviour support, we focus on why the behaviour is happening. The main functions of behaviour are usually:
Escape (avoiding something hard or overwhelming)
Attention (seeking connection or being seen)
Access to tangibles (getting something they want or need)
Sensory (seeking or avoiding sensory input)
Once we understand the function, we can support the child in safer, more helpful ways. And suddenly, what looked like “bad” behaviour starts to make perfect sense.
What Can We Say Instead of ‘Bad’?
Try using language that separates the person from the behaviour and invites curiosity. For example:
“That behaviour is showing me she’s really overwhelmed right now.”
“He’s struggling to cope, let’s figure out what’s underneath that.”
“This is a sign that something isn’t working for them. How can we help?”
This small language shift makes a big impact on the child and on ourselves.
Final Thoughts
Behaviour isn’t bad, it’s meaningful. It’s adaptive. It’s a signal that something deeper is going on.
When we stop labelling behaviour and start understanding it, we build more than behaviour plans; we build trust, safety, and relationships that truly support the child to grow and thrive.
Rosie 🌹