5 Things to Do Before You Respond to a Behaviour of Concern
1. Breathe First – Regulate Yourself 🧘🏾
Before you say or do anything, take one big, conscious breath.
Why? Because your nervous system sets the tone. If you're feeling angry, panicked, or overwhelmed, it will show, and your young person will feel it. Behaviour is contagious, and dysregulation often spreads like wildfire.
Quick tip: Try the 4-2-4 breath:
Inhale for 4 seconds
Hold for 2
Exhale slowly for 4
This small pause creates space between the behaviour and your reaction, which is where good support lives.
2. Check for Safety ⚠️
Before jumping into problem-solving or teaching, make sure everyone is physically safe, including the young person, yourself, and any other people nearby.
Ask yourself:
Is anyone at risk of being hurt right now?
Do I need to remove anything dangerous from the environment?
Is this a time for calm connection or clear boundaries?
Sometimes, safety means stepping back, not stepping in.
3. Shift from Control to Curiosity 🤔
When a child’s behaviour seems “defiant” or “manipulative”, try to pause and ask yourself:
🧠 What might this behaviour be trying to communicate?
🧠 What happened just before this started?
🧠 Is this a skill issue or a stress response?
This shift is game-changing. It moves you out of reactive mode and into responsive, compassionate support.
4. Use Fewer Words (and a Lower Voice) 🔇
In moments of distress, the brain isn’t ready for lectures, logic, or layered instructions. Long explanations can feel overwhelming or even threatening to a dysregulated child.
What helps?
☑️ Keep it short
☑️ Use a calm and neutral tone
☑️ Offer clear, kind support (e.g., “I’m here. We’ll figure this out together.”)
A soft, slow voice invites safety. A loud or rushed one can escalate things fast.
5. Don’t Try to Fix It Straight Away
It’s tempting to want to teach the lesson in the moment, especially when the behaviour feels big or unsafe. But most learning happens after, not during.
Once the young person is calm and regulated again, then you can:
Explore what happened
Support reflection
Practice a new skill
Repair the relationship if needed
Trying to teach in the middle of a meltdown is like pouring water into a cup with no bottom. Wait for the brain to be ready.
Final Thoughts 💭
Every behaviour of concern is an opportunity to build trust, teach a skill, or show compassion, but only if we can pause, regulate, and respond with intention.
So next time things feel heated, try these five steps. You might be surprised at how powerful a breath, a pause, and a bit of curiosity can be.
You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to keep practising.
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Rosie 🌹